Gay Cabbie Asserts Rights, Sexuality

IOWA CITY (Agence France Presse)
Bisexual/Macho/Gay Taxi Driver Roger B. issued a press release today outlining his plans for a "revised sexuality" in the Johnson County area, as well as several "modifications" intended to "differentiate the tri-county area" from the policies of "Bible-Biting Bastards" and "Homophobic Hate-Mongers" as well as "Dried-Up Republican Twats" and all those unfriendly to Lesbians or having sexual encounters in bathrooms.

"First off, any dwelling with a 'the 49' sign in its yard is immediately and until further notice appropriated as a 24-hour Sexual Center. Local residents are required to spend 4 hours out of every 72 hours at said Sexual Center and while there are required to have sexual encounters for the duration of their stay."

"Secondly, sexual self-expression is now regarded as the number one civic duty of local citizens. That, and getting loaded."

"Freedom of expression does not necessarily mean allowing people to have sex with animals," Bradley stated. "But it might."

My voicemail's been leaked to the internet

Now that the cat's out of the bag, I might as well provide you the drunken, coked-up transcript of the voicemails that got away from me...No, I'm not ashamed or embarassed, just proud:

I wanna fucking go crazy with you. ... You are so fucking hot, and I wanna eat you, and I want you to suck my cock, and I want to fuck you. ... Let's do it, you are so fucking hot, leave me a voicemail. I'm going to the bathroom, leave me a voicemail. ... I told Angie that you were into her. ... I want to lick your pussy and make you cum so much. ... I want you badly, I know you want me. ... I am so fucking into you. You have to pay attention to Angie, but let's have fun. I wanna fuckin' eat you and fuck you and suck your tits and watch you eat Angie and lick your ass. I'm so fucking into you, it's incredible. Uhm, check this message, and then just say to me, "Yes." ... I wanna fuckin' suck your pussy, talk dirty to you, watch you and Angie eat each other, suck my cock, beat off on your face. Get another woman up, hire a hooker. Let's get crazy, get some coke.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Thoughts that crossed the mind of the Rog today ...

I want to show my lesbian lover the pot pies I selected for lunch today.
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If I had a vagina it would be the best vagina. I would keep it squeaky clean and share its beauty with everyone.
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Margaret Thatcher is a feminist icon for the 21st century!
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Does identifying with R.E.M's "Losing My Religion" mean that I'm gay, or just that I celebrate diversity?
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Lesbians from North Dakota are impostors.
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Fantasy Football is just that.
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title for my new book:
How to make love to a woman like a Lesbian making love to another woman (who may or may not be a Lesbian but is certainly bisexual because all women are)

If I wanted to hear what you had to say, I'd take my cock out of your mouth

Well, that was one busy weekend. I don't know who decided to tell the female residents of Horse Cockles Retirement Center that Roger gave special Mother's Day cab rides but honestly! I've never eaten so much septegenarian bearded clam in my life! Talk about the old man in the canoe - heads up and Props to Big Red!

Personal to Stoopie: Look, don't sully up the message boards with requests for sex. Besides, I'm the one who's supposed to ask the client if they "Want a date?" You know where to find me - in the bathroom of the bus station, preferably the second stall, the one in the back (it's a little larger, so it allows for a few more possibilities).

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day, one and all!

Just to show how much I love my mom and she loves me, here's a photo of Mom when she stopped by with a finals week "care" package at Wartburg all those years ago and showed us all just how it's done.

Love you, Mom!

I sing the cabbie electric

Maybe sometimes I've been accused of having meaty paws—but let's face it, I'm a meaty, meaty man. Now, when it comes to meat, I'm pretty manly when it comes to eating a burger or something beefy, but when it comes to pork I kind of lose it and drop down a few notches into a kind of simpering, slightly effeminate art fag.

Sure, I've seen the movies, heard the albums and read the books. I'm able to ape the emotions of a normal, sensitive human being. "Pork chops are good," I hear you tell me. "Bacon is good." I'll give it up and admit that when I'm feeling exceptionally brave, I will eat bacon. But a pork chop? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like Bruce Willis or the Governator with a torn shirt and a machine gun dangling rolls of bullets? And don't even get started on Bratwurst.