Can I interest you in a MudJack?

I hate to be a bore, but can I bring to your attention that I offered you a mudjack a few minutes ago, and you still haven't said anything? Is it because you're not sure what it is? If that's the case, there's a computer a few feet away, and I'm sure you could look it up, if you were so inclined. Never mind the porn, just hit the F12 key and it will minimize (temporarily).

There you go, I like the way you type.

Working on my incompletes

Thought I'd share some of my scholarly output for a change:

The 1960's saw many positive social changes that occurred without the benefit of a leader, such as free love and the eradication of cannibalism. Other times, the acting out of a great leader like Mother Theresa was necessary to end slavery in India. Mother Theresa was the wife of Mahatmas Ghandi, and because of her ability to fly into a rage and kill people mysteriously (much like Winnie Mandela) she was able to effect social change by killing the guilty pigs.

After she left Gandhi for her second husband Malcolm X she got involved in a menáge with Martin Luther King, Jr. and when the sex tapes were released it was a scandal. Thus, a social change was able to be affected without the leader. On the other hand, one can see that it was Mother Theresa's sexual promiscuity which lead to the sexual free love revolution of the 1960's. Truly, she was a great sexual-sociological leader.

The American will is easily satisfied in its efforts to realize itself in knowing itself.

-Wallace Stevens

I like to pride myself on my self-realization while at all times keeping the others guessing. Is Roger going to deliver a sermon, or wet the bed? I hear them ask. Well, what if I'm about to do both, simultaneously?

I had my "Free Sex Advice" sign taped on the back of the cab Saturday while I was driving the drunks around. I figure that I might as well be of service to the community in any way these two hands, 10 fingers, two balls and one ass can. Besides, I've made some of my best friends that way.

The first taker was a little bleach-frosted sorority number with pink lipstick. Her problem was that whenever she had sex she threw up. I quickly solved her problems by telling her to drink wine in the future, avoid long-island iced teas, and have sex sober if all else fails. Besides, if the RUAS is rough enough, your body is too busy dealing with the RUAS to even think about throwing up. Trust me.

All You Can Eat Buffet - in my Cab!

In the taxi industry, we're entering what we in the business call the "golden years" or "the days of milk and honey" or "the halcyon age". Et in arcadia ego. I call it the days of aching balls and ass of white-hot pain-fire from so much enforced sitting and anal play, because with the falling of the leaves comes Home Football Weekends and lots of money to be made driving drunken fans all over town, and even more to be made by sexual delicacies.

My old boss Earl killed himself by self-immolation a couple weeks back (he couldn't stand the thought of leaving the bus station, and in particular, the bathroom - but that's a story for another post). As it turns out, the owner's nephew is a French transvestite prostitue with an M.B.A. and he/she has had several ideas to increase business even more, if that's possible. Which is why I am now introducing our special price fixe menu for Monday through Wednesdays:

Price Fixe (Monday through Wednesday)
1 Hors D'Oeuvre, 1 First, 1 Second (excluding Hot Karl), 1 Dessert - $40


Normal Menu

Hors d'oeuvres
Rocky Mountain Oysters $9
Le Lance Armstrong $5 (1/2 order)
Dagenham Wank $8
Fruit Bowl $6

First Course
Piss Bisque $8
Spanish Fly Gazpacho $7
Paella de Skank $9

Second Course
Manchester Facial $18
Cassoulet $14
Hot Karl $28

Dessert
Dirty Sanchez $12
Stinky Binkey $8
Crême Bradlaise $8